Midnight Thoughts. It is 11 pm and I should be asleep now or reviewing the Social Encyclicals for my Theo Orals on Thursday yet here I am feeling the need to write something because this idea of “the future” entered my head again. I have been thinking a lot about it recently and with good reason because I hope to graduate by next year. And l would expect any mature person to tell me right now to stop acting overly dramatic like that stereotypical college student who wishes to find himself before he goes off into the world – especially because I am not the dramatic type of person. I am an OA person but that’s different from dramatic. People keep on asking me what I want to do and I simply just can’t tell for sure. But who can, really?
Everybody just wants to be happy, no question about that. But that is just 1% of the work, the 99% is what makes it fuzzy and that’s mainly figuring out what will make you happy. There have been countless quotes, anecdotes about what makes a person a happy. I enjoy reading most of them but I only believe in some of them. And it’s terrifying to entertain the thought that you have already forgone some paths that will lead you to your bliss, either you made the wrong choice at some point in your life, you had one bad day, you missed to see a tiny detail, you talked too much or you did too little. Gallee. It’s really crazy when you think about it, which is why I probably shouldn’t be thinking about it in the first place.
But I have to face the music, things are changing now and they’re changing fast. Here I am freaking out about missing the chance to ride some wave that could take me a certain place. But I realize now (with some great insights from friends), that I only need to look at my previous twenty years of existence to see that it will be okay. I did not always make the right choices and most of the time, I did not get what I want. I had no clear picture of what lay ahead of me but I must say I am more than happy to be where I am right now (despite my remaining final exams, haha). Seven years ago, I never imagined where I’d be or what I could do in that span of time or how my choices would turn out to be. I have left behind things I thought wanted before but soon realized I didn’t want it as bad as I thought. I was never the type of person who planned out her life (contrary to popular belief). This world is full of changes, I have seen it and I have felt it, what will make me happy now can be different to what will make me happy tomorrow. Heck, it may not even be what will make me happy, but most of the time, what will make the people I care about happy.
I get really confused a lot these days, but that’s good. I don’t believe in straight and flat paths anymore. I believe in rollercoasters now, it goes at different speeds, it spirals like crazy and it terrifies you and thrills you, it brings you around a loop and it can even bring you back to where you started. There are things you will encounter once but these are the things you can either choose to forget or recreate in your own way or maybe for all our sakes reevaluate. And in the end, you will have no regrets, because I believe that I will always find out that in the end, it all works out and that everything ties up together. Ngayon pa ba naman ako magdududa?
One thing is for sure though, I do feel like I am finally growing up.
#emopost #hashtagsawordpress #judgeaway